As a few of you may have noticed, I haven’t blogged much lately. Partly, this is a consequence of my schedule and some lifestyle decisions I’ve made. My focus is exclusively on Harper for part of the day, so when she’s napping or I have a babysitter, I work as efficiently as possible on the stuff that, well, pays, which blogging, unfortunately, does not. Also, I try as hard as I can not to work in the evenings so that The Guy can have my undivided attention after she goes to bed.
It’s also the fact that one aspect of the reason I started blogging in the first place has changed, and not for the better. What separates blogging from, say, writing in a diary is the conversation – I write something, you guys comment on it, I comment back, and so on. Lately, though, the conversation isn’t as nearly as pleasant or even civil as it once was.
I’ve always gotten the occasional nasty comment or email. Having blogged for nine years (!) now, I’m pretty good at predicting which posts will net me at least one poorly-constructed missive about what a crappy writer/photographer/mother/human being I am. I expect it, I accept it, and while I can’t honestly say it doesn’t bother me at all, I’ve learned to move on.
But these days it seems I can’t write or say anything – on my own blog or as a comment on anyone else’s – that someone doesn’t tell me what an idiot I am. Not that I never do anything idiotic – God knows I do – but my family’s life runs pretty dadgum smoothly 98 percent of the time. I simply cannot be that much of a f–k-up (pardon my language). If I did as many things wrong as these people say I do, then I would be a walking disaster.
I have actually considered giving up blogging entirely. Like most of you, I’m an extremely busy person. Why waste time on something I don’t enjoy and that doesn’t benefit my family?
In the end, though, I decided I still have something to say, and there are still people who enjoy reading what I write. And that’s good enough for me.
But hear this:
If you don’t like what I have to say, the way I rear my daughter, worship, run my household, conduct my business, love my husband or show my friends that I care about them, then STOP READING. This is harsh, but I think we can all agree it’s true: If you say you don’t have time to clean your house, but you can find the time to type three paragraphs about what a moron I am while your children’s shoes are sticking to your kitchen floor, then, my friend, your priorities are way out of whack. Turn off the computer, and go do something productive.
Or stick around and keep reading. You might learn a thing or two.
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One of my sorority sisters announced this weekend that she’s pregnant with her first child. Another of my friends is also pregnant, and yet another is in the process of adopting a child. And it started me thinking:
Being a first-time mother requires your skin to be just about as thick as your average blogger’s.
People come out of the woodwork, it seems, to tell you the most inane garbage you’ve ever heard in your life. Before I had Harper, I was no expert on babies (and I’m still not), but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I think I can figure out not to feed the baby gasoline, thank you very much.
(I exaggerate, but not by much.)
Or they’ll tell you their Extreme Childbirth stories like they happen everyday. “I gave birth in 45 minutes, start to finish, on the side of the road in the backseat of a Volkswagon Beetle with no epidural while biting down on a tire gauge, so in your last trimester, you should stay in a hotel next door to the hospital! And if you don’t, THEN YOU’RE A BAD MOM AND I HATE YOU.”
Then there are those who get their jollies by peeing on your parade. Everybody has at least one of these in his or her life. They always start by asking a seemingly innocent question.
“What’s your birth plan?”
“Well, I actually think I’d like to attempt a natural childbirth.”
“OH MY GOD. Nobody does that. You think you want to do that, but you really don’t. You’ll see. You won’t do it. Ha ha ha ha, nice try, though!”
“So what are you doing about daycare?”
“My mom is going to keep her during the day for me.”
“Well, she’ll be sick her whole first year of school. She won’t build up any immunity if she doesn’t go to daycare. She’ll miss so much school, they’ll probably hold her back.”
(My child does not attend daycare, so at home, she exists in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble, similar to a hamster ball. There are no germs outside, in the church nursery, at the grocery store, in hotel rooms, in the mall or at our family and friends’ houses, especially if they have their own kids. Oh, and we make Cousin Emily stay home from college.)
Before Harper was born, someone asked me what I planned to do about weaning. (Understandably, we first-time moms tend to get ahead of ourselves sometimes. It’s just the nerves.) When I told her I was interested in baby-led weaning and explained what it was, she literally SCOFFED. Like, I knew the word “scoffed” and what it meant, but I had never actually seen anyone SCOFF until that moment.
Therefore, I offer no advice to my fellow first-timers; you will get more than enough in the months to come. Instead, I’ll simply tell you the things I wish somebody had told me. Hopefully, you’ll find something in here that’s useful to you.
1. You will encounter numerous people (almost always women) who will try to make you doubt yourself and your plans for yourself and your child. These jackasses are easily identifiable, as their assvice almost always begins with, “Well, I thought that too, but…”, “Bad news…” or “I hate to tell you, but…”. They don’t hate to tell you anything, and giving you their bad news delights them! They’re convinced that their experience, awful as it was, is universal, so whatever unfortunate thing happened to them will undoubtedly happen to you, too. If it worked for them, then it’s right for everybody. If they failed at it, then clearly, it’s a stupid method. Usually, they have difficult children and uninvolved spouses. They’re deeply insecure, and you doing something differently from them means they did it wrong, so they’ll do anything, including trying to undermine your confidence, to convince themselves that YOU’RE the idiot.
Ignore them COMPLETELY.
2. If you think you need to go to the doctor’s office or the emergency room, then you do. Don’t worry about looking foolish or seeming like an alarmist. Those doctors and nurses work for YOU; if there were no patients, then none of them would have jobs. If they treat you poorly, complain to their supervisors and/or go elsewhere. Not seeking medical help when you need it is how tragedies happen.
3. Remember that, despite all the horror stories you read on the Internet, the odds are overwhelming that your baby will be just fine. There are kids who grow and thrive in crack houses; as long as you’re a responsible, conscientious parent, your kid is probably going to be OK.
4. Speaking of which, whatever feeding/sleep/diapering/learning/etc. method you decide to use, it’s going to be the right one for your family. As long as it’s generally considered safe by the medical community, it’ll be fine. Just stay flexible, and if one thing doesn’t work out, try another.
5. As you can probably imagine, The Guy and I are not schedule-y people. We hang loose as much as possible. But we will nevertheless testify that ROUTINES are your FRIEND! (Can I get a amen?) Develop yours as soon as possible.
6. It takes a while to find your feet. Personally, I didn’t hit my stride until Harper was five months old. And that’s perfectly fine. Parenting a baby, especially for the first time, is one of the hardest tasks you will ever undertake. Lots of people will try to convince you that they’re naturals at it, and they didn’t have any trouble at all. That’s actually true for maybe 1 percent of them. The rest are lying. It’s normal and healthy to struggle. You’ve got more people than you think you do who want to help you out and lift you up.
7. Next go-’round, The Guy and I will set aside money specifically for baby-related expenses. Between paying doctor and hospital co-pays, buying medicine, shopping for baby gear we needed and hiring repair people, our emergency fund took a serious hit. It sounds stupid now, but we just weren’t expecting Harper to cost that much right off the bat. For future Powell babies, we’ll have a little nest egg to cushion our savings. And if we don’t use it, awesome. Having extra money saved is never a bad thing.
8. You need more baby clothes hangers than you think you do.
9. Target’s Up and Up brand diapers are, in many people’s opinions (including mine), just as good as Pampers, and they’re a lot cheaper.
10. For God’s sake, pack a diaper bag.
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Parents and non-parents alike: What’s the dumbest piece of assvice you’ve ever received?
Your no-nonsense
Kel
I’m glad you’ve decided to ignore the comments that do little beyond rant and rave. So many folks just use the web as an excuse to be judgemental and rude, something they’d probably never have the courage to do face to face.
What you have to say is important and a few yahoos shouldn’t be able to disrupt that.
As for advice, most of mine is relates to how to have children (since I physically can’t). There are potions and extremely questionable activities folks swear I must do… Even when I make it clear we are perfectly happy with just our son from Nathan’s previous marriage. I guess since I don’t hang my whole worth as a wife and mother on having a child from my own uterus, I am somehow broken. Eh, I can live with that.
Hear hear Kelly. Don’t listen to the haters and we love you and if they don’t then well….f@&$#~<%^ 'em. And if they don't they have bad taste cause I have great taste and I love you so there!
Also for #4 if you do your thing and it doesn't work for you that's ok cause you'll find your stride for what does eventually and learn something in the process so do it anyways. And something I've learned is go with your mommy gut cause it's failsafe. Love ya girl!! =)
It’s hard to remember the dumb advice people were constantly shoving down my throat, because it’s been, well, 19 months now. But I do remember the dumb bitch at Orvis who swore I must be carrying twins when I told her I was 17 weeks, because “GASP! You’re too huge to have just one in there!” And after arguing with her that I’d not only had several traditional sonograms, I’d also had a 3D sonogram, and an NT scan, and I was positive there was only one baby in there, she continued to tell me how wrong I must be and that I needed to get another opinion. That bitch looked like she’d eaten a set of twins, so I was so confused as to why she’d be so insensitive to my condition and how big I was or wasn’t.
Probably the worst well-meaning advice I got from so many people, was to stop giving breast milk, and instead give Pedialite when Grant was vomiting. That was horrible advice. Breast milk was his sole source of nutrients. If he was going to puke, he was going to puke breast milk or Pedialite. And I’d rather he had breast milk.
Um, I saw photos of you when you were pregnant, and you weren’t particularly big. What the hell?
A cashier in a store the other day looked straight at Harper and said, “Oh my God. She is so fat.” And not in the I-want-to-nom-on-those-gigantic-cheeks way. Like, in a call-Richard-Simmons-on-the-batphone-we’s-about-to-have-to-remove-this-child-from-her-crib-with-a-crane sort of way. What IS it with retail workers not having any manners whatsoever?
Lol! People are crazy. I was in Kroger one day and some random lady said,”omg that baby has a big head!” my first reaction was pissed off but then I couldn’t stop laughing! People will say anything.
My sister said it best: the two times when people think they can say whatever they want to you with impunity are when you’re having a baby or getting divorced.
Rock on, my friend!
xoxo
Mer
I am so with you on this one! I have tried hard not to give advice (even though, there are times I have really really wanted to.) I can’t help but remember what I felt like the first time some one gave me “that look” when I told them what I was going to name my child. Before I got pregnant, I never realized just how personal questions can be- like “what are you naming her?” or “were you guys trying?” – I never ask the second question which basically boils down to them asking if your kid was an accident. Family and close friend advice I can deal with, but if we are acquaintances keep your opinions to yourself! There is a difference in the advice given out of love and the kind given from judgement. It is pretty easy to distinguish between the two
I can’t even go into dumbest piece of advice I have gotten. My daughter is vision impaired which warrants a pretty good deal of advice/questions (the most unwanted kind is from strangers in the grocery store).
Anyway, I think being a parent gives you a tougher skin and if anything it has taught me to try my hardest to keep my big trap shut…lol!
I was the same way! Now I cringe when I think of some of the things I used to say to people or ask when someone was pregnant.
I saw a lady in Target the other day who was the most pregnant person I have ever seen. The rest of her body was relatively small, but her stomach was enormous. Like, literally the size of one of those giant exercise balls. It took everything I had in me not to ask if she was pregnant with triplets. Fortunately, the cashier had no such compunction. Turns out it’s only ONE, and it’s not due for another 10 weeks or something! EEK.
AMEN! Dumbest advice was when our former pediatrician told me to stop nursing my five day old jaundiced son and to start formula feeding him because something in the formula would get the liver to kick into high gear. Too, with respect to online differences of opinion, I find it so dismaying when the tone of the comments are disrespectful. And I I think it’s terrific and offer kudos that you’re finding your new center/grounding with being a mother, spouse and writer! Wishing you all the best!
Thanks, Deb!
I agree, it’s like civility has taken a hike where online discourse is concerned, and as bad as it is in the comments sections of blogs, Facebook is the absolute worst! And it’s only going to get worse as the presidential election draws nearer. Sigh.
I swear, if you ever comment on my blog and someone is mean to you in a related comment, I will verbally eviscerate them on your behalf, to the extent that their eyeballs will burn out when they read it.
I want to know how big they make those hamster balls, so I can give them as Christmas presents to those that need them. Plus, I want one for myself, for when I’m walking around downtown. That should keep the muggers and Ravens fans at bay.
Only downside is it’s IMPOSSIBLE to take Harper on public transportation. You think it’s annoying when somebody gets on the bus with a bike? Try a baby in a ball!
I LOVE this post.
Whenever someone gives me any unsolicited advice (I’m at 37 weeks now, so it comes all the time) that I perceive as even the slightest bit negative/judgmental (Oh, you are drinking coffee? You know that’s not good for the baby). I look at them and say “What? I gave up snorting cocaine for this baby. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” and there stare, unblinking, until they back away.
It’s fun.
Feel free to insert whatever ridiculously negative vice you can think of (smoking crack? prostituting? abusing prescription drugs?)
This has inspired me to write a blog post about everydamnperson in the world asking me when I’m going to get married, and my grandmother telling me my eggs are going to rot.
Not sure if it’s as annoying as the bad baby advice. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out one day, if my eggs and ovaries haven’t completely dried up by the time I get around to trying to use them.
No, dude, it wasn’t that long ago that I was single, and I’m totally with you: The egg comments are the WORST.
I vaguely remember being a 1st time mom, and I seem to remember that I always felt like I was treated like I was a stupid idiot by the ‘I’ve already had a kid so I’m an expert’ bitches of the world. Unfortunately, after having 3 children and managing to keep them alive and somewhat happy & healthy for 11, 9 & 5 years now, I think I may have inadvertently become one of those bitches from time to time. I can say it has never been intentional, and any advice that I have offered someone has come from a good place and not an ‘I’m a better mom’ mentality. That being said, I have often told new mom friends to enjoy being a 1st time mom. I say read every book and magazine that you want, try every bottle, diaper, pacifier and new age trend that appeals to you. Have your baby in a blow up kiddie pool on the back patio with incense and inspirational music or in a hospital with every available pain intervention possible while watch mindless reality TV. Do what makes you happy and what works for you and your family, and if others have an unfavorable opinion about it, tell them to shove it in their uterus! (btw-I don’t have a uterus so you can’t tell me that)
There is a big, big difference between offering someone advice based on your own experiences and inadvertently being a little overbearing in the process and actively trying to make someone feel small because of their choices and ideas. The former is well-intentioned and understandable; the latter is just plain mean. And you’re right, regardless of how another person perceives your words, it’s all about where you’re coming from.
Kiddie-pool births complete with incense and chanting seemed so quaint last time. Next baby, my official birth plan will be “as natural as possible for as long as possible,” but having been through it once, I don’t blame ANYBODY who gives birth the way my friend Joy wanted to: “Numb from the neck down, just the way God intended.”
Oh my dearie!! If anyone wants to comment negatively- tell them to call me. I have some pent up aggression I’d like to take out on just that sort of being! I’ll pray for the poor souls spending their precious minutes being rude to you- the Lord knows they need prayer.
I hope I haven’t been one of those obnoxious advice giving types. You should see the looks I get when I say I nurse my kids at least two years. I truly am in awe of the way childbirth and kid rearing changes one’s whole world. It makes me so excited to watch the transformation. Forgive me if I got or get overzealous with my commentary.
You have offered me some of the most rational, thoughtful and insightful advice of anyone! I think it goes without saying that I am intensely grateful, but just in case: YOU’RE THE BEE’S KNEES!
I look forward to discussing our motherhood philosophies over cupcakes and whipped-cream-vodka Jell-O shots this weekend
Kel, this is very true, and it doesn’t really get any better as your child gets older. The worst advice lately was from a book…..I was SO relieved for this book to come in the mail, about ADHD kids and how to take a Christian view of the issues. The title and description were deceptively, well, left-leaning. It seemed like they were going to offer Biblical references and a Christian perspective on how to lovingly rear a child with attention problems.
NO.
The book came and the first paragraph was all about how the only way to make your ADHD kid “OK” is to have quit work and been a full-time stay at home mom from the get-go. I work full time, and for anyone’s who’s counting, my dtr is almost 7 yrs old, so all y’all scorekeepers at home: ADHD 7, Brandi negative 7. We were on the way to vacation. It was supposed to be relaxing. Almost threw the book in the trash at the next stop.
Obviously I’m totally scared that the first half of this was directed entirely toward me. I know that’s really narcissistic, but I’m remembering all of the times I’ve said, “You should take real pictures of your daughter!” and . . . um, I can’t think of any other specifically critical things I’ve said to you, but when am I not saying critical things?! Surely the “poorly-constructed” was directed at everyone else, though. wink, wink
I’m also totally scared(er) about having a baby now, too! I get in enough fights with people without anyone offering me awful advice about how to be a less-terrible mother.
People can be a##holes sometimes. Period. So sorry they made you come even CLOSE to considering stopping blogging. Now that I’m finally back in the groove, I’d hate it so bad if I didn’t have your blog to turn to for some intelligent laughs! Hang in there, and ignore those stupid people, Kelly. *hugs*