So The Guy announced the other night that he hates blogs.
Well, of course he doesn’t hate ALL blogs (AHEM), just personal style blogs and, to a lesser extent, craft blogs.
As I’ve said many times before, my husband is one of the most laid-back humans on the planet, so you can probably imagine how taken aback I was by this statement. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard him say he hates something, and two of those things were Ann Coulter and green onions. That obviously doesn’t leave much room for anything else.
And besides, while he’s nowhere near as into clothes as I am, he does like getting dressed up, and he’s definitely not impervious to the charms of a really great tie or a cashmere sweater. So I couldn’t understand this vitriol toward style bloggers.
It all started a few days after we brought Harper home from the hospital and I realized none of my clothes fit. Yes, I tried on half my wardrobe just a few days after pushing an eight-pound human out of my body. I know, I know: rookie mistake.
Naturally, I was loathe to go out and buy anything, because it’s not like I’m going to be this size for very long, right?! Give me six or eight weeks, and I’ll be back in fighting form!
(Did you hear that gigantic CLUNK? That was the sound of all the readers who have ever given birth banging their heads against their monitors.)
Pretty soon, even my maternity clothes were no longer an option. My jeans were so loose that one evening while shopping at Target, I very nearly gave my fellow shoppers on the cat food aisle a free show. It only took a few days of rotating between the same two pairs of yoga pants before I gave in and decided to go shopping. But where could I buy a bunch of “new” clothes without spending a lot of money?
Why, the only place in the world where you can buy both a brand-new Moschino leopard print skirt for $100 and an entire tan polyester leisure suit for $2.50: Goodwill!
(Cue the foreboding music.)
Feeling very clever indeed, I wheeled Harper up and down the aisles of Goodwill in her stroller, picking up jeans, button-down tops and fitted dresses a couple sizes larger than I normally wear.
(If this were a horror movie, this is the part when all the mothers would start biting their nails.)
Confident that I was going to walk out of the store that day with a chic new wardrobe for less than $50, I took Harper and my selections to the dressing rooms.
(The mothers can see the boogeyman sneaking up, duct tape and hacksaw at the ready, but our intrepid heroine is frustratingly oblivious.)
I decided to start with the jeans. I couldn’t pull Pair #1 over my hips. Pair #2 fit like a sausage casing. And Pair #3 did appalling things to my poochy post-baby stomach. Horrified yet undeterred, I pulled on article after article of clothing, every piece worse-fitting than the one before it.
(“DON’T GO UPSTAIRS, YOU IDIOT!”)
After realizing that none – NONE – of the clothes I picked out fit me, I did exactly what you would expect me to do:
I completely lost my s–t in a Goodwill dressing room. There I stood, with my daughter sleeping peacefully in her stroller, bawling my eyeballs out over a pile of second-hand jeans.
Needless to say, my headspace was very, very bad, and it only got worse from there. By the time The Guy got home that evening, I was practically hysterical.
After about the third straight hour of listening to me sob about how much I hated my new, postpartum self, The Guy kind of lost it. “It’s those stupid blogs!” he said. “They’re all, ‘Look at me and how perfect I am, and if you’re not as superficial and self-obsessed as me, then you’re doing it wrong,’” he ranted.
See, because I love clothes and fashion as much as I do, I read all these personal style blogs. And two of my favorite bloggers recently (as in, within the last couple of months) had babies. One of them is already back in her pre-pregnancy clothes, and the other apparently spent nine months shopping for this super chic postpartum wardrobe, so she looks like something straight out of the pages of Vogue when she leaves for work every morning (with her hair perfectly coiffed and her nails painted to compliment her outfits, of course). I’m no slouch (or so I thought), but my two pairs of yoga pants and I can’t even begin to hold a candle to that.
Why didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I watch my weight like a hawk while I was pregnant? Why didn’t I work out every day? Why didn’t I spend the entire time trawling painfully hip thrift stores for vintage Calvin Klein blazers and silk trapeze dresses three sizes too big? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
“Um, nothing? You’re normal,” Dr. Brandi said when I called her in tears. While that may be overstating things a bit, she pointed out that those women and their fellow style bloggers make a living by their appearances. The whole time they were pregnant, they knew that very soon afterward, they would have to begin modeling their outfits again, and two pairs of yoga pants were not going to cut it. Therefore, they prepared accordingly. MY job, on the other hand, (thankfully) has nothing at all to do with the way I look.
Nevertheless, I still felt terrible about myself. Surely something was wrong with me. No one else had this much weight to lose after a pregnancy, and it seemed everyone else in the world was back in her pre-pregnancy clothes by the time her maternity leave was over.
The Guy tried to convince me that this could not be so. “How many women do you think feel the same way you do?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Of course you don’t!” he said. “Because these women are trying so desperately to convince the rest of the world that they’ve got it all together, and even those who do talk about it do it in such a joking way that they end up completely glossing over it too. Nobody wants to tell the TRUTH. They just want to say whatever makes them look good.”
But I didn’t even know what the truth was. Despite all the unsolicited advice and bizarre personal anecdotes everyone starts telling you the very moment you pee on the stick, no one talks much about what happens after, and I can kind of see why. Let’s face it, if, in my seventh month of pregnancy, when I was as big as the side of a barn, waddling to the bathroom every 38 seconds and bursting into tears at Fancy Feast commercials, Jessica had said to me, “Oh, and by the way, get ready for your favorite pair of jeans to not fit for a year,” I’m not sure I would have considered that helpful information just then.
So I decided to take one for the team and talk to my doctor (who had twins last year), poll my recently pregnant friends and visit a few message boards. Here’s what I learned:
–There really is no “normal.” Everyone is different.
–Acceptable weight gain is whatever your doctor tells you it is and can range from 15 to 50 pounds.
–You should not even THINK about trying on non-maternity clothes for six weeks after the baby is born. Probably more.
–Most people lose the baby weight between six months and a year after giving birth, but their pre-pregnancy clothes may still not fit for several months after that because their stomachs, hips and chests are bigger than before.
–Even some people who end up weighing less than they did before they got pregnant never fit into all their clothes again.
–Go ahead and buy some postpartum clothes. You may not lose all the weight for nine months, but you still have to get dressed between now and then. When you do get back to your normal size, you can either have the clothes tailored or donate them and take the write off.
–Yes, some people do fit into their pre-pregnancy wardrobes immediately after giving birth, but they are, according to my doctor, genetically gifted freaks of nature, much like Stephen Hawking or Victoria’s Secret models. Do not compare yourself to them.
–Post-baby, skirts and flow-y dresses are the most forgiving articles of clothing you can wear. Jeans are the worst.
–Many people can achieve a flat (or flat-ish) stomach again after having a baby (even multiple babies). It just takes a hell of a lot of situps.
I will probably not do that many situps.
Although I’m quite sure no one mistakenly thinks I’ve got it all together, this is one blogger who will tell the truth about trying to get one’s body back after having a baby: IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS REALLY, REALLY BAD. If I joke about it, it’s because if I think too long and too seriously about it, I’ll cry. And don’t give me a bunch of crap about how I should shut up and think about how much I love my baby. Of course I love Harper. Next to marrying The Guy, she’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and she’s worth ANY amount of pain, discomfort and tears. But this doesn’t have anything to do with her, except that I want to show her the positive example of a fit, healthy mom who feels good about herself.
And slowly but surely, that day is coming. I’m back to my no-grains-and-no-refined-sugar way of eating, and I feel better and have more energy every day. And I’m proud that, thanks to hard work and good choices, the weight is steadily coming off. But in the meantime, it sucks. It sucks to feel a reflexive panic every time anyone invites me anyplace, because I probably don’t have anything to wear. It sucks that even though I used cocoa butter every single day of my pregnancy, I still got stretch marks. It sucks to wonder if the skin on my abdomen will ever forgive me for doing this to it. It sucks that my days of wearing two-piece bathing suits are over. It sucks that I don’t want my husband to see me with my clothes off. It sucks to realize that despite the progress I’ve made, I still have a significant amount of weight to lose.
I certainly don’t mean to discourage anyone. I just don’t want my pregnant friends to be as stupid as I was. No one deserves to have a semi-public meltdown in a thrift store dressing room.
Babies are an awful lot of trouble, you guys.
But they’re totally worth every bit of the hassle.
Your slowly shrinking
Kel
Hate to add to the possible misery, but my feet grew a half size with Ben… and another half size with Amelia. Imagine my HORROR when none of the 75 – SEVENTY FIVE – pairs of lovely-match-every-outfit-perfectly pairs fit any longer. Imagine the tears when I sold them all in a garage sale… I still miss those red suede loafers and adorbs black cowboy boots with steel toe tips! But I LOVE my babies and they are worth every stretch mark, big feet and extra pound. And they don’t give a rip about any of that – and neither will Harper!
First of all, cocoa butter DOES NOT WORK. I have never heard of it working and those who say it did, probably wouldn’t have gotten stretch marks in the first place. That’s just marketing at its finest.
Secondly, most women won’t fit back into their jeans because their hips widen and stretch anywhere from 1-4 extra inches wide, then harden that way. Trust me, I know. (Thank YOU, Shinkx Hips for fixing that issue somewhat!)
Next – I’m with Blake. How many women out there do you think jump back into exercise too quickly after pregnancy just to make a buck? And to make the rest of us feel inadequate? Maelie is 10 months old and I’m still not down to prepregnancy weight. Well, I was, but now I’m not. I was also in my normal jeans and now I’m not. I’m convinced it’s muscle gain from a new class I’ve been taking, or I was delusional and I ran around with muffin top…but it’s still very disheartening. (And this is coming from a person who’s at the gym 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day…so honestly, it takes time )
My recommendation, as a woman who’s had many, many babies, SPANX. I know, I know. It feels like defeat. But I’ve used it so that I can get into some sort of jeans again without looking like I’ve been wrapped in sausage casing (LOL on that one.)
Girl, I TOTALLY had a public meltdown after kid #2.
See, when I had Elayna, I was 17. I was back in my pre-maternity wardrobe within a couple weeks for the most part.
After I had Emma at 21 on the other hand, I was up about 6 sizes from before the pregnancy, had no clothes that fit and had not even been trained in the art of shopping for a woman’s body. My sister-in-law took me to a department store and introduced me to the Misses dept. (true story) where I proceeded to try on jeans. BIG MISTAKE. I couldn’t get them up over my thighs and kept getting larger and larger sizes. Then I looked like a lovely standing sausage and realized I had to go get even BIGGER ones and I lost my s–t. Big. I sobbed and sobbed to the point that I’m pretty sure I embarrassed my fellow shoppers. And I KNOW I embarrassed my s-i-l. I tossed the jeans down and left the store still sobbing. I sobbed all the way home. I sobbed to Steve who reacted the same way your sweet fellow did minus the style blogs, bc clearly if I didn’t even know what the Misses dept was, I wasn’t reading any style blogs here. Let’s be honest.
I was traumatized.
I feel your pain.
It gets better. *hugs*
And sweetheart, for what it’s worth, I looked at your photos, and you look fabulous. You’ll never look the way you did before. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t freaking awesome now. Stretchmarks fade, and they look way better than tummy tuck scars imo. This too shall pass.
And remember, men like curves.
Can I just say how much I love this blog?! I’m very sorry you had a meltdown in Goodwill, but your honesty is awesome! I will soon experience what you are and I will save this to read when I have my post baby meltdown!!
I look forward to seeing you and meeting Harper soon! 
I felt so bad for you when you told me this!
I went into complete and utter denial after I had Sarah. I refused to try on any pants. I wasn’t going to do that to myself. Eventually, five months later, I tried on my jeans. Still too tight. I calmly threw them in my closet, sobbed and then pushed on. A month later, I could get them on, though they are still tight on my hips.
I discovered that skirts and leggings were the perfect answer for me. The leggings hold it all in and keep your legs warm while the skirt over it hides and makes you look nice. Plus comfortable!
When you do get to where you’re comfortable buying jeans again, go for the relaxed hip and thigh variety. I bought some for the first time since giving birth nearly 9 months ago this past week. Old Navy Sweetheart relaxed hip and thigh = yes and yes.
I agree that you do look amazing, even if you don’t think you do. And I promise you that Blake loves your body even more for what you put it through for love.
I literally just texted Leah about my frustration of being too big for 99% of my clothes but not yet big enough for maternity clothes yet. I have been to numerous stores and have decided to make burlap sacks a fashion statement. She replied, Go read Kelly’s blog! Now I am sitting in Red Mango crying. But hey, misery loves company and I’m glad to know I’m not completely alone. Lol
Thanks for keeping it real and making it funny all at the same time! I know this must be seriously challenging even though of course it is all worth it for having a beautiful baby. I really am kind of glad to have had this heads up for if/when hubby and I decide to have kids.
Being 5 days post Liam’s birth, I have already had one melt down over clothing. When we went to bring him to the Dr. Wednesday I couldn’t find anything that didn’t make me look 6 months pregnant. I looked like a jiggly tootsie roll in everything and to know I have MONTHS of this ahead of me is enough to make any of us loose it. I know, I know, I’m sure we will have many more melt downs over this very issue, but our little bundles make it SO worth every jiggle, fat roll, marshmellow tummy and stretch mark. : )
This never really bothered me I think because early on a mommy of three friend of mine told me flat out that nothing will ever fit the same again…and she was telling the truth. Like Cassie said, your hips widen and it sucks but what can you do? I just pride myself on thinking I joined the special mommy club where none of our clothes fit and we all have muffin tops and damn cute kids.
For what it’s worth, I thought you looked amazing when I saw you a couple weeks ago! And I love how you can talk about serious subjects and still make me laugh.
Kel, please allow me to announce in this public forum that I have recently reached my pre-pregnancy weight!
My younger child is 9.
NINE.
In human years.
Two weeks, my ass!
And let me also state for the record that pre-pregnancy WEIGHT is vastly different from pre-pregnancy SHAPE. The latter is elusive as hell.
I have 3 children. With each child, my post pregnancy weight loss was different. What I can say is that it is possible to lose the weight and return to your old clothing without starving/killing yourself. How long it will take is what varies. I strongly suggest going shopping and splurging on a few basic pieces that make you feel fabulous & then accessorize to your heart’s content. A couple of pants/jeans that fit good and an assortment of solid color tops are the perfect post pregnancy canvas. Tunic & leggings with a great pair of boots, a fabulous scarf and to-die-for earrings will make you feel like a million bucks!
OMG, I am SO sorry. I have been posting my weight loss progress on Facebook with reckless abandon.
Ok, here’s the dealio. I’m not going through all those comments above because you have smart friends, and I’m positive they’ve already given you a bunch of awesome advice. But, when you’re in the thick of it (which, ahem, I most recently was), you don’t want to hear encouraging words – you want to know secrets. Right? RIGHT??
There are no secrets. HUGE letdown. I’m so sorry! But I can tell you that breast feeding does AMAZING things for your metabolism. Are you still nursing/BFing? DON’T STOP! Even if you have to supplement. Don’t give up on it. It will get you back to your pre-baby weight pronto. It took me 8 weeks to lose all my weight, and you probably didn’t even gain as much as me ::cough::fortysixpounds::cough:: And even if you don’t do it in 8 weeks, remember, your boobs are way bigger now and are holding some of that weight!
Toward the end of the year, Rob and I decided we were going to get married this coming April. I was already 30ish pounds overweight before even getting pregnant, so I knew I had to lose some of it. I started Weight Watchers in October, and have lost about 24 pounds so far. Every day is a struggle though. Today some guys at work brought in homemade egg rolls and Indian food. I had TWO eggrolls and a couple of pieces of bite-size chicken, and a couple of spoonfuls of lemon rice. This is probably all I will eat until dinner, so if I make bad decisions (like I did today), I just have to arrange the rest of my day to compensate for it. Tonight I’ll probably just make some veggies for dinner.
And just so you know, I pretty much stopped cooking when the baby got here. Who has time?? Don’t feel guilty if you aren’t making 4-course healthy meals yet. Cut yourself some slack. You’re a new mom! If you just live it day-to-day and do the best you can, then you’ve succeeded. Or as my personal meter went – if baby is alive and fed at the end of a day, then I am winning. When does it get better? haha. It doesn’t, at least in the first year! I’m still overwhelmed with real work and baby tasks and trying to figure out when I’m going to cram a healthy meal in my day.
Also, your body WILL eventually go back to normal. I pretty much look the same with no “parts having shifted to other locales” now that a year has passed. Well, my boobs are a bit deflated, but it’s not that bad. Luckily, I only got stretch marks on my boobs and they COMPLETELY disappeared. You can use all the creams/lotions/magic potions you want and if you’re predestined to have stretch marks, you’ll have them. I used the Mederma stretch mark cream on my belly AND boobs, and I still got them on my boobs like whoa. Put some more distance between now and her birth and you will be happier. Don’t get all worked up over it right now. I remember thinking I looked like a beat-up bean bag without clothes on shortly after Grant was born, haha. It DOES get better. It WILL improve. You just need more time. So relax. Even if you do NOTHING in the way of healthy eating/exercise, you will continue to see improvements to the way your body looks with time.
Just enjoy Harper and her teeny-tiny-ness right now and worry about the other down the road.
Oh, I’ll also second Leslie’s suggestion of leggings. Seriously. I lived in them for MONTHS post baby. Hell, I still wear them a LOT.
Leggings and maternity tops still look good even after the baby is here!
http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=26193&vid=1&pid=111615
preeeeeetty….
You are so normal, pay no attention to those idiots who say they are back in their clothes, THEY LIE!!!!!! Even if you do lose all your weight immediately, your shape does not go back to exactly what it was for a while. Especially your hips, ribs, tummy, etc. Back in thier skinny jeans, my ass!!! About a month after I had my son, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight and had a lot of people telling me I looked smaller than before I got pregnant. Thank You, I said and smiled, little did they know I was wearing fat girls jeans 2 SIZES BIGGER than I had back then. my hips took their time in getting back to normail!! I know you didn’t like the Vicki Iovine books, but she is very knowledgeable in this area. She says – it took you nine months for your body to change and put on the weight, it will take about that long(OR MORE!!) to get it back. Not to say that you won’t be looking FAB during that time anyway, but let nature take its course and don’t worry about it. Your body knows what to do, if you are eating right already, you are on the right track!!
Girl, I am sooo sorry but I saw you recently and I think you look fantastic….seriously! Since our babies are exactly 1 month apart (well 1 day less than 1 month) I know how you feel. My maternity pants are too big and my reg jeans do not fit….well one pair does but I have the biggest muffin top squeezed over on top of them plus I can’t breathe (breathing is over-rated anyways right???? lol). We will get there. But in the meantime please know that even though you might not agree bc we are always our worst critic, you do look fantastic I promise!
[...] can never thank you guys enough for all your kind words and reassurances after my last post. If I had any doubts, you guys confirmed that what I’m going through, body-wise, is [...]
I’m with everyone else: love the honesty and the ability to amuse even while talking about something so difficult. If it makes you feel better, I gained so much weight in Ohio that I had to spend the last three days in leggings and dresses. Yay! Fitting into jeans is overrated, and the style bloggers always make me feel bad about myself even when I haven’t just had a baby.
[...] my expectations for myself were unrealistic, but that’s a pretty common rookie mistake. Regardless, I was eating healthily, exercising [...]