DAMN IF THOSE CHURCH LADIES DIDN’T DO IT AGAIN.
SON OF A B—-! Just what in the name of Mary Magdalene does a girl gotta do to win at the Unofficial St. Joseph Altar Death-Match Bake-Off?!
“I cannot believe you just used the word ‘G.D.’ in a church fellowship hall,” The Guy lamented.
Well, he’s not the one who waited five years for his big comeback, only to be bested by a Bible-shaped cake with a portrait of St. Joseph airbrushed onto it.
That’s just dirty pool, am I right?!
This will not stand, people. Mark my words. I am gonna blow everybody else outta the water next year or die trying. Ideas submitted so far include:
–A red velvet cake in the form of the parted Red Sea adorned with plastic Moses figurine (Intern Rachel)
–A Noah’s-Ark-shaped cake with a veritable menagerie of marzipan animals (Holt)
–A cake resembling the burning bush with pulled-sugar flames leaping upward (Andrew)
–You really don’t want to know what Katie and I came up with. “I’m not a Christian,” Andrew said, “And I find that offensive.” Let’s just say it involved a lot of red jelly and leave it at that. What can I say? The spirit of competition got away with us.
“You are so Bree Van de Kamp right now,” Holt said.
All I know is, I think I’m gonna need a set of those biblical Legos.
On the whole, though, despite my initially very un-Christian attitude toward my fellow bakers, The Guy enjoyed his first St. Joseph Altar experience. The braided bread shaped like the crown of thorns (complete with toothpicks representing the thorns) creeped him out a little bit, but other than that, a good time was had by all.
Oh, it is SO ON next year.
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1. Are you a sunrise or sunset type of gal? Or neither? – Cristy
I want so, so badly to be a morning person, but I’m just not. The schedule my body seems to like best is going to bed at midnight or 1:00 a.m. and waking up around 8:00 or 9:00. Apparently, I’ve always been a night owl; my parents said that even as an infant, if left to my own devices, I would go to sleep at 11:00 and wake up at 7:00.
So sunset, definitely.
2. Name your top three websites and why. - Jennifer
WOW. This one is MUCH harder than I expected it to be. My three favorite websites change almost as often as my three favorite books, but I’ll give it a shot.
1. Personal blogs. This is a total cop-out, I know, to lump them all together like this, but I love personal blogs for so many reasons. They’re entertaining; I’ve met some of my best friends through blogs; other people’s views on the world give me a totally different perspective; and I learn about a lot of issues that I would otherwise kind of gloss over in the news.
2. Lifehacker. Though some of their items are so far over my head they might as well be speaking Farsi, I’ve learned COUNTLESS cool new things from this site.
3. Fashion Under $100. This girl, Dana, started a site wherein she recreates celebrity and designer outfits piece-by-piece, and no outfit costs more than $100. Lately, she’s started showcasing looks for different occasions (think bridal shower or class reunion). She also includes lots of plus-sized options, which I think is really cool.
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Your foiled-again
Kel
All part of the hazing ritual! One day you too will be a 60-year-old amazing cake maker with years of cake sculpting experience harassing those half your age with faulty recipes. Oh yes.
And personally I think you should go big next year and make a cupcake cake depicting Mary.
A CUPCAKE CAKE! We hadn’t even CONSIDERED that!
GENIUS!
Make a rosary cake out of cupcakes. It would be epic. Can you imagine how huge it would be???
YES.
YES TO THIS.
It’s now between The Cupcake Rosary and Johnny B.’s “Job” cake (see below).
YES!!! I am in excellent company.
This ALMOST makes me want to be Catholic. I don’t actually want to have to deal with believing in God, but I love the ceremony of things like this. And I want to gnaw on those bread sandals so hard.
They look pretty tasty, but I bet they were tougher than shoe leather.
It’s just like a Church Lady to make a delicious-looking bread decoration on which you could lose a tooth.
That reference to Bree Van de Kamp made me spit coffee!
I have an idea: a praying hands cake. Simple, elegant and just enough of a engineering challenge. YOU CAN DO IT!!
Everytime I see Fr. Karl I remember wiping the floor with him in speech and debate in high school. Yes, we are that old. He had dark curly hair that sort of framed his head like a halo and big brown eyes – your basic living angel. It did not surprise me a bit when I found out he’d taken the vows.
Katie, being Catholic rocks. If you can put up with some of the b.s., that is.
Your totally irreverant,
Mer
I NEED MORE FATHER KARL STORIES, STAT!!1!
Wow. I totally vote for you to make Jesus in an easter bunny suit, with it’s head off (holding the bunny helmet), exposing that it IS in fact Jesus. That would be AWESOME.
Don’t let those catholic girls hold you down. Remember what they say about Catholic school…
And Jesus TOTALLY needs to be giving the thumbs-up sign. YES.
“Buddy Christ”
(from “Dogma”)
Lulz, being Catholic was such a trip. I almost miss church ladies.
I vote for the nativity scene featuring marshmallow peeps next year.
A nativity scene featuring marshmallow Peeps?
I don’t think I can WAIT till next year for that.
I think for next year you should make a cake depicting yourself as a female Job suffering with sores (little Oreos) and have all the old ladies who beat you depicted as Job’s friends who further provoke your agony with their Old Testament style “told you so Job” admonishings. The 3-D aspect of the cake could be little towers at opposite ends in which a heartily laughing God and disappointed Satan face off in cosmic irony. To give it a local flair you could have the icing read “Who Dat Talkin’ ‘Bout Beatin’ My Job, Who Dat?”
YOU WIN.
Ah- I too love your websites 2 and 3… I even remember when Fashion Under $100 started!
As for the cake- how about Mary giving birth to Jesus? There are some interesting ones you could model from on the Cake Wrecks blog!
Thanks to this comment, I’ve been trolling Cake Wrecks nonstop for ideas for next year’s St. Joseph Altar.
Those Church Ladies have messed with the WRONG GIRL.
UM says he/she wants to gnaw on those Jesus bread shoes “so hard”…that’s some funny stuff right there.
She’s not even kidding, either. We both have breadstick fetishes.
LOL! (And Cake Wrecks rocks
)
Haha! Thanks, Ann!
[...] I’ll spare you the long story, but suffice it to say I got exactly what I deserved for trying to salve my wounded ego (plus I wasted four sticks of butter and 10 [...]
Johnny B wins. Even better than my idea. Gory, irreverent. Perfect.